The Sacred Feminine

My online diary. All of the personal and private thoughts that I only want a bunch of strangers online to know about.
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My man has mentioned the words “rim job” more than once in conversations about the things we’d like to explore in our sexual exploits. I myself have never licked an ass before and the thought of doing so isn’t exactly something that makes my twinkle button twitter.

However, being that he and I haven’t had sex in AGES (due to my TEMPORARY living arrangements and just overall bad timing), I am feeling especially frisky and when we DO get together again, I literally want to eat his ass up!

I am horny as FUCK.

So naturally, I have been watching a bit more porn than I’d like to admit to watching being that I am in a happy and fulfilling relationship, and thus have been bringing myself to self-climaxes in absence of boo-thang’s love muscle. (He’s not too pleased with that, by the way…thinks I will be all cummed out by the time we DO get together again. This is HIGHLY unlikely.)

Today in the midst of my pornographic self-exploration, next to trying to figure out ways to make myself squirt (something else he has mentioned as a thing that would bond him to me for LIFE), I watched a few clips on rimming.

It actually doesn’t look half bad. I mean, I will admit, it looks a bit strange to see a man lain on his back with his legs propped up getting his ass licked. There is something a bit…er…homo-erotic about it all. But apparently it feels like heaven, if there was anything sexual that could be compared to the majesty in the sky, and I would love to be able to bring this sensation to my man.

We are supposed to be “having a day” on Tuesday. I am off that day and he said we are finally going to have a moment to just “lay up…and eat grapes.” And I already have the grapes.

I have been feeling a bit guilty about being soooooooo wired up for him. Like it’s one thing to simply desire your man; but I have been CRAVING him. I just want to feel his nude body against mine more than anything. Penetration is a beautiful added bonus but seriously, I would be just as satisfied…no…wait…I’m not even going to lie. I want to fuck.

Excuse my vulgarity. But I do. I enjoy the nice, calm yet vigorous love-making session. We have those often (when we’re able…sigh, I can’t wait to get my own place.) But I am feeling very porn-starrish right now. I want to suck my love juice off of him in between position changes, I want to grind on his face and talk dirty and ask him if he likes it and how he wants it and call him all kinds of motherfuckers and big dick bastards and tell him to let me know when he’s about to cum so I can catch it in my mouth.

And before we even get to all that…I want to lick his ass.

If for no other reason than to hear what kind of sounds he makes me when I do it. I am going to surprise him with it. He’s going to think I am just moving further down for a routine balls’ tongue-washing and then “HELLO!” All up in that ass.

Here is a link to the video I watched today…as a bit of a pre-rim tutorial:

Oh, he is going to be soooo pleased.

Hello readers and followers! Back with another sneak peek into my love life since I know you’re all soooooooooooooo interested!

Last time I wrote to you, I was a bit of nervous wreck because my man let off some baby juice in my cooch after a kinky Sunday afternoon make-out sesh. As wonderful as the dick was that day (as wonderful as it always is), I am so not ready to be a mother right now. And I know what you’re thinking: Why don’t you use a condom or get on birth control? Sigh. I don’t want to get into that right now. I’ll just say, I love the feel of raw dick and synthetic hormones make me physically ill. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

But anyway, a week later, Flo brought her bitch ass to town and for the first time in my LIFE, I was actually happy to see her. So, I am happy to announce that I am happily embryo-free…thank GOD!!

He and I have not let our little scare put a damper on our sex life, though. We’ve been getting it in like rabbits and I’ve been waiting to feel guilty about it, what with it being all pre-marital and all but no. No regrets. No guilt. Every time just feels so right and just pulls us closer together. Aaah, I just love this man.

We’ve also been doing our fair share of freaky shit. Well, it wouldn’t be really considered freaky to some but it’s a bit extra for me. Like for example, the other day he recorded me while I was on top of him but because it was dark in the room, there was only audio. I must say, it sounded damn good. He was like, “You need to do dub work for porn films!" It was hot. I may post it here.

And today, he had this impromptu idea to take pictures of my ass. Ick, they were so raunchy…but he called it art. I tell you…men. I don’t know if I will be sharing them here. We’ll see. I will have him e-mail them to me and do a little editing and see what we come up with. Again, not really freaky…but I’ve never posed for nude pictures before. Twas definitely a first.

Speaking of firsts, afterwards, because I was surprisingly aroused by the whole experience, we had a little sexy time. And today was a benchmark day because for the first time in my 16 years of fucking, I had an orgasm during intercourse!

Now mind you, I was rubbing my special button at the time so it wasn’t brought on by penetration ONLY…but still…it happened! And I felt like I robbed him of it because I didn’t tell him I was cumming. But he felt it; he figured it out…and it made his day! :)

I love that he is the first (and hopefully will be the only) person I experienced that with and look forward to seeing the new ways we can explore each others’ bodies to bring about intense climaxes in the future.

That’s my baby…

So ummm. Remember on Sunday I was being all disrespectful of the Sabbath and downloading Italian porn in hopes of adding the potential for orgasm to my sexy time?

Well, for starters, as expected, by the time my lover arrived, I’d gotten myself off like four times and was still too shy to watch or perform my self-indulgences in front of him.

We did watch one clip, though…and he asked me to play with myself in front of him. I gracefully declined. And we then proceeded to a quickie that was slightly uncomfortable. I need to do a study on female anatomy. Like he was hella hitting my ovaries and shit and even when we were done, my abdomen was a bit sore. Is that a result of cumming several times before penetration? Do our ovaries drop down or something or get more swollen? Sigh. I should know these things, right?

But here is the killer: lover man came in me!!

He said it wasn’t a lot but hell, it only takes a cell!! He was like, “Squeeze it out!" Squeeze it out??? Ummm, no! It doesn’t quite work like that, buddy!!

Now I am a paranoid wreck, especially since the fact cum was deposited in me has been confirmed by the added fact that my post-sex discharge has been carrying the pungent smell of SPERM!

On top of that, my friend, who I hadn’t heard from in a month, called me out the blue to tell me that she had a dream that I had a baby! The fuck?? Even said the baby had sandy brown hair…wow. Sigh.

Sooooooooooooooo, needless to say, I am reverting back to abstinence. I don’t have time for this shit. I mean, I really do hope that I don’t turn up pregnant but I suppose it would be like God saying, “That’ll teach you not to get your freak on when you should be getting your praise on!" Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

I won’t know what the story is for another two weeks. God knows I am not ready to have any kids right now and he already has three adult children and is not interested in having anymore AT ALL. I think he’d even want me to abort the baby rather than have it. We’re not even going to get into that right now, though.

Moral of the story is: no more sex for me. I have an appointment for an annual pap smear in September and plan on getting on birth control then. I just hope the appointment doesn’t have to be a changed to a consultation for prenatal care.

Sigh. My life.

Greetings my fellow horny bastards and bastardettes!

Sorry I haven’t been posting in a while. I’ve been off living life and admittedly not having much to speak on in terms of my dormant sexuality because it’s been…well…dormant.

HOWEVS, all of that changed a few months ago when after a year of being loveless and dickless, I went and got myself a MAN!!!

Oh yes, friends. Your girl is fucking again and dammit I must say, it feels damn good.

I haven’t written in so long I can’t remember if I told you all that I was writing a book on Christian Dating or not. Well, needless to say…it’s become a NOT!

I had the Pastor of the church I formerly attended pull the project because I knew deep down that there was no way in hell, or in heaven for that matter, that I was going to wait until marriage before having sex again. My main objective was to wait until I was in love. And I am so in love right now.

This man is awesome but this blog isn’t about that. I write all the lovey dovey shit on another blog that I may share with you one day, when I am ready to reveal my true identity and all.

This blog is where I write about all the freaky shit I am not yet willing to share with my friends. SO being that I have been reintroduced into the world of kink, expect more posts, my darlings.

In today’s episode, it is Sunday afternoon and I am about to cue up some porn clips for my man’s arrival. You see, I have never been able to achieve an orgasm through mere penetration so we thought that perhaps a bit of a foreplay reversal was in order: we would watch some porn, I would get totally aroused and moist as I do, we will perform a bit of cunnilingus and basically bring me to a shuddering O prior to Big Daddy’s entrance. Sounds good right? Doable even? Hmmm, I don’t know.

I have watched porn in the company of others in the past and it just doesn’t have the same effect. It’s like my body doesn’t respond in the same way when others are around. I think it’s because it’s always been a personal thing for me. A nice private moment between myself and my super alert love button. Some clips can get me so aroused that a simple tap on my clitoris would send me shaking. When others are around though, I’m left dry as the damn Sahara.

I so don’t want that to be the case with my new lover, though. We have been so open sexually, particularly in our communication about sex that it would seem a shame to not be able to explore this area together. He is a lot more experienced than I am sexually so I at least want to give him the extended pleasure of being able to share with me elements of sexuality that I have not been able to share with others in the past.

I think this guy could be the one.

So yea, here I am. Cuing up porn. I wish I wouldn’t have had that personal crisis a few months ago where I deleted the private Tumblr page where I had all of my favorite clips stored. Dammit. Back to the drawing board. But if he is able to slip away from some slippery fun, I’ll let you all know how it went.

I know you care. Don’t try to act like you don’t.

Hello again! Long time no write! I’ve been out trying to be good and holy and avoiding logging into this blog so as not to visit the side blog I created that featured links to my favorite Italian porn movies; a blog I have since deleted so as not to violate Tumblr’s new Terms & Conditions.

But being that I have started adding complete strangers to my anonymous Facebook page, I figured I should at least offer them SOME insight into my true identity by sharing some of my deep dark secrets. ‘Tis only fair, yes? I think so,too.

So, today’s deep dark secret? I’ve been having strange sexual dreams lately.

Like last night I had a dream about this motorcycle gang rolling down the street with chicks bouncing up and down on their laps. Clearly the motorcycles were big enough to accommodate for such a feat but within the dream, seeing this parade of bikers and their fellow lap dancers prompted me to do a porn search on “chicks reverse cow-girling dudes on bikes”. The search was unsuccessful.

Another part of the dream was this weird orgy; not like the classy ones I USED to view in the Italian porn flicks I USED to watch. No, these were kind of gross. It was like these dudes were sleeping and had chicks on standby stroking their manhood and as soon as they awake, the chicks would be on ready set to pounce on their morning wood. But these chicks weren’t hot at all. One had boobs on her BACK. I’d never seen such a thing. Clearly I was there representing the POV cam and I remember zooming out of that scene with great haste.

Last week, I had a few more porn related dreams, though I cannot readily recall the details. In fact, I think I had more than one and at one point, I was having a hard time distinguishing dream from reality. I masturbated in the dream and then woke up for a brief moment to finish the job before dozing back off again.

And it actually led me to prayer. You see, every few months I go through this phase where I try to stop watching porn online. I blame my sporadic obsession on the fact that I am single and haven’t had sex in over a year now. I have to get my kicks in some kind of way, right?

But for those of you who have read earlier posts on my battle with my porn addiction habit, then you know that I always feel so guilty afterwards; a clear indication of my doing something very wrong. Right?

So I have made a conscious effort to stop and whenever I think about possibly watching strangers “do it”, although I honestly haven’t thought about it much, I instantly say a prayer to avoid the temptation and try to find a more healthier outlet, like Facebook Newsfeed scrolling, for example.

But I think the dream demons are trying to get me to backslide in my mission by bringing the smut to my sleepy times. What assholes. I find it very rude, actually. Leave me the hell alone, why don’t you?? Can’t you see I’m trying to change??

I don’t know what the hell is going on. Perhaps I am just sexually repressed. I mean, I don’t feel frustrated or stressed out; I’m not even particularly horny, but my dreams seem to be suggesting otherwise.

I read online that dreaming of motorcycles means that I am moving forward with my life and that if there are evil or bad people on the bike then it is a reference to negative aspects of my personality that are free to do as they please. Sounds like a case of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other; it’s also a pretty clear representation of my dual Gemini personality. One part wants to do right and move from this “lifestyle” while the other one is all “You can run but you can’t hide!!” Asshole, I tell you. A total asshole.

Whatevs. I’ll work through it. It’s my bedtime now. Off to pray that Mr. Pornman doesn’t bring me a dream; I may rub some Holy oil on my temples. That seemed to work before.

So yea, I’ve been doing this whole “I’m not going to watch anymore porn because it’s dirty and evil" thing, right?

Well, that went pretty good for like, I don’t know, about five days?

I just so, ahem, happened upon a few clips this evening BUT, to my surprise, they did absolutely nothing for me!

No tingle. No, umm, moisture, down there. No nothing!

Am I really over it?

Does it have anything to do with the fact that I’ve been reading my Bible all day as part of a project I am doing for my church? (Don’t judge me.)

Did I still have too much of the “anointing” on me to get overcome by lust?

Or have I truly seen all the types of porn there is to see and I am no longer interested? Well, no longer interested is a stretch. More like, I’m now just bored with it.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that in order to wean me off of my obsession with nuns in porn (sigh, God help me), I’ve placed the book “Mother Angelica’s Private and Pithy Lessons From the Scriptures" on my nightstand.

(By the way, I don’t know what “pithy” means but I can’t help but to think that when coupled with “private”, it sounds a bit dirty. Like if you replace the word “scriptures” with “convent”, it actually sounds like a good porn title.)

Sigh. God HELP ME!

I’ve yet to even open the book; perhaps I’ll read it tonight, as part of my penance.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this revelation with you: that I may actually get over this whole porn addiction thing after all. I mean, even the thought of masturbating to the few clips I saw made me feel kind of icky.

I guess I had my action for the week in that dream I had last night.

That is all. I’m off to go and get pithy with it. In a good way.

Best. Answer. Ever.

So this morning I had a dream that while Beyonce was showering in my closet, I, also in my closet and aroused by images in nudey magazine, dry-humped a pile of dirty panties until I came.

What does this say about my psyche?

I am a sad case.
~The Sacred Feminine~